{"id":776,"date":"2014-02-03T10:51:07","date_gmt":"2014-02-03T15:51:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/?p=776"},"modified":"2017-02-13T14:16:10","modified_gmt":"2017-02-13T19:16:10","slug":"i-hear-in-my-mind-all-of-this-music-and-it-breaks-my-heart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/?p=776","title":{"rendered":"I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"BANDAID-HEART1\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I was listening to Regina Sparks’ “Begin to Hope”. It’s one of my favorite songs. It’s about a woman who finally opens her heart, allows herself to become vulnerable, and finds love.<\/p>\n

I have struggled with this issue my entire life. In the song, she is talking about romantic love. I’ve never had a problem opening myself to romantic love, but when it comes to friendships, I don’t let anyone in. I have a sturdy wall built of steel and brick around my heart. There’s a tiny window and a tiny door that are well guarded, and only my husband, my family and a very few friends that I’ve had since childhood are allowed through the door.<\/p>\n

I have made no friends my entire adult life. And I’m 45 years old. I keep everyone at arm’s length. And even my childhood friends are watched closely as they walk around inside me.<\/p>\n

It’s exhausting. And I don’t know how to dismantle the wall. I understand how the wall was built: a childhood that had intimate knowledge of pain at the hands of others. But that was an age ago. I’m a competent, intelligent, strong adult. The wall is now a hindrance to me, and yet I cannot break it down.<\/p>\n

So I decided I would write a letter to these friends who have passed through my life and I watch longingly through the window in the wall. I just hope they are still there when I finally manage to tear it down.<\/p>\n

Dear sweet friend,<\/p>\n

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for seeing me with your eyes filled with love and acceptance. Thank you for being in this world. You are a light shining your uniquely beautiful color into the darkness, lighting the way for others with disco sparkles and laughs.<\/p>\n

I’m sorry that I can’t get near you yet. The fear is still in control. I hope one day to understand it and overcome it, but that day is not today. But my wish is to someday meet you where the air is fresh and I can breathe again, and the sun is warm and I can feel again, and you are there, as beautiful as you are now.<\/p>\n

Until then, know that I see you, admire you and am grateful for you. You are what I aspire to be. You give me hope.<\/p>\n

Love from Angel<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was listening to Regina Sparks’ “Begin to Hope”. It’s one of my favorite songs. It’s about a woman who finally opens her heart, allows herself to become vulnerable, and finds love. I have struggled with this issue my entire life. In the song, she is talking about romantic love. I’ve never had a problem … Continue reading I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-776","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hope"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=776"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":785,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776\/revisions\/785"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=776"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=776"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.benignchaos.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=776"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}