Benign Chaos

I am a prisoner, bound naked to a crumbling stone wall by shackles of rusted steel. It’s an awful prison with the sounds of dripping water, cries and silence as my only companions.

I’ve tried to leave this place many times. Being a vivid, almost physical, figment of my imagination, I’ve tried to imagine the shackles miraculously opening, freeing me. Or I have tried to find the magic golden key that will save me somewhere inside of me. But I always end up back in this nameless dungeon filled with sadness and shackled to the wall, searching — wishing — for the key.

The thing is, I do think the key is inside of me, but it isn’t a magic golden key created from wishes, prayers and tears. It is a heavy key as solid as my soul. It carries the weight of my witnessed pain. Only when I walk through the blinding, searing, burning fire of my pain will the key be forged. Wishes, prayers and tears soothe the intense burning, but it is only by walking the path that I will finally get out of this psychic prison.

I bury my pain under Warcraft, eating and spending. I shovel pile after pile of food, stuff and playtime onto my pain, trying to cover the searing fire.

But it never works. Pain is one of the strongest fires that forge the soul. And it’s necessary that I walk through it.

And to move forward, I’m going to have to face the shit that I don’t want to face. I’m going to have to admit to the things I don’t want to admit to. The other choice is stagnancy, and I’ve been living there long enough.

Am I feeling ugly and worthless? Am I feeling humiliated and tired? Am I feeling lonely and sad? It all needs to come out. I can’t keep shoving it to the side or trying to bury it, anything but look at it.

Open my eyes, look, speak and write. Allow the pain and fire to leave my soul. I must write with honesty and hope.

So, with tears blurring my vision and fear making me stumble, I move towards the fire. I’m tired of being bound to the cold, wet walls of this prison. I choose the key. I choose the fire.

Angel Personal Exploration

“That one is special,” said Grandfather Elder with a strong voice as he pointed to Klarissa sitting meekly in the back.

He came forward and pulled Klarissa out of the shadows and into the light so he could look her over. Klarissa was terrified at becoming the center of attention. “I’m… I’m not special,” she stammered as she stood trembling under his piercing gaze and avoiding his eyes.

His voice and his gaze softened as he replied, “We are all special in the dance and unfolding of the universe.”

“Beats is special,” she continued. “She is beautiful and brave.” Grandfather Elder looked at Beats who returned his steady gaze with her own piercing steady gaze.

“Yes,” said Grandfather, “Beats is special. But,” and here he looked back at Klarissa, “you are the one who carries the buried light.”

“Kam!” Grandfather Elder called for his grandson who stepped forward into the light. “You are to accompany them, and you are to train this one. She is asleep.”

“Yes, Grandfather,” Kam replied with a nod.

As Kam and Klarissa walked out of the tent, Kam asked, “You long to be Beats?”

“Who wouldn’t long to be Beats? She’s beautiful and strong.”

“She carries a lot of pain.”

“We all carry pain. At least she’s pretty and in pain.”

This made Kam laugh, but even with a smile on his face, he replied seriously, “While you do no accept yourself — while you do not feel and understand your own importance, beauty and poetry — your training will move slowly. You are swimming against the current, against the natural flow of energy. You are exhausting all of your resources on fantasies based on lack and inadequacy.”

This last statement stung. She could feel tears stinging her eyes but didn’t want him to see her cry.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he cupped her hands in his, “but as Grandfather said, you are asleep… in so many ways. You long for beauty when you have beauty. You long for strength when you have strength.”

“What do you know?!” Suddenly she was angry. She snatched her hand out of his. “What do you know of my suffering?! Beautiful, am I? Tell that to all the boys who passed me over for a prettier face!”

He was quiet for a moment, weighing her anger against his words, before continuing. “You cannot move forward while you carry this burden. It weighs you down in the waters. Trust that you are exactly what you are supposed to be, that you are crafted with precision and poetry.

“There are many physical joys of life,” he continued, “and this is the only beauty that you, and many others, see.”
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And, shitzilla, that’s the end of the excerpt that I wrote in my notebook. What was Kam going to say! I really must write this book.

Angel Uncategorized

More randomness from a notebook, this time from 2010:

“Joy is thought,” he said.

I sat up suddenly for this simple statement — the words — seemed to carry physical impact.

“Joy is thought?” I asked. “It’s what I choose to think, choose to feel.” The puzzle pieces were falling into place in my head. “It’s whatever glasses I choose to put on.”

“Yes,” he said calmly in stark contrast to my excitement. “That’s why I can’t give you any Absolute Truths. Life is subjective. And you,” here he emphasized you as he continued, “choose the focus, direction and filter of the lens.”

I sighed and leaned back against him, saying, “It’s a lovely idea on paper, but it doesn’t get the dishes clean.”

He chuckled softly. “Your vision is still blurry,” he said. “You still don’t see how thoughts create. Thoughts shape everything: fear, love, belief, hope, trust.”
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Life without goals is aimless and sad. Life with only goals is regimental and sad. Like so many things in life, balance is required. Goals and aspiration must be balanced with leisure and slow-paced awareness. And alternatively, leisure and slow-paced awareness must be balanced with goals, aspiration and hard, focused work.

The two modes of living, when combined, create a joyful, claimed life.
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Too much drudgery in To Do lists.
Missing the joy and play.
Structure and Fluidity combined
— Balance
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You take what is real and make it real.

One day I’ll actually write a cohesive, complete book instead of various notebooks filled with random vignettes.

Angel Achieving Goals, Joy

I have always doodled while thinking. I used to draw goofy pictures, but as an adult, my doodling has changed to random words and phrases. I found these doodles all over a notebook from 2009:

What do you see through the eye of a needle?
I see me.
I see eternity.

Monk
Beautiful, peaceful monk
of the dawn
Touching the breath
of the morning life

We co-create.
Allow it to happen.

Hard work and discipline
– What’s down that road?

I touched heaven
and it was fire and love.
The light is the way.
The path is illuminated.
The words are the map.

I am already naked
Now PLAY
Play

There was a road
and I didn’t know how to walk it.

If we define art as a beautiful and inspiring act then
Life is art.
Every moment spent truly living
is creation.

My Dreams are often nebulous and beautiful;
they are a Monet of emotions and colors.

Have faith in your doodles. They are windows.

Angel Personal Exploration

There hasn’t been any posts for awhile because I am in the middle of buying and moving to a new house and Shelrie is busy gathering her research for her PhD. Sure, we may be too busy to put together a podcast, but we are never too busy for 3rd Rock from the Sun. So I thought we would pass on some of the funny bits in the podcast interim:

And to round out the 3rd Rock mini-trip, lets end with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tommy Solomon) covering one of Ernie’s songs from Sesame Street, I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon:

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Angel Uncategorized

Shelrie and I discuss Second Life and our dreams of the next generation of MMO’s.

If you would like to download the podcast mp3: click here.

Or if you would like to listen to the podcast streaming click the play button below:

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Angel Uncategorized

Out of the sixteen podcasts that we have done so far, this is one of my favorites.

If you would like to download the podcast mp3: click here.

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Angel Podcast

This podcast swims all over the place, hopefully in an enjoyable way. It begins with The Last Airbender and then lazily strolls into conventions and cell phone technology and so on and so forth. We hope you guys enjoy it. It was originally recorded on July 12, 2010. We finally got around to uploading it.

If you would like to download the podcast mp3: click here.

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Angel Uncategorized

Artwork by Quentin Houyoux.

We were all born to do something. Perhaps to garden, or to nurture children, or to cook, or to write. We all have a purpose. I sincerely believe that. Goals are simply writing down your purpose in life on paper. What were you born to do? Why are you here?

When we don’t follow our purpose, we feel lost and sad. We feel blind and confused. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we were given a purpose – we don’t feel worthy of such a grand destiny. So we deny our destiny, and sadness and confusion fills our hearts.

But when you finally step onto the path of your destiny – when you finally show up and do the work – it is instant relief. The pain and confusion in your heart and brain begins to lift.

There is a reason why you have certain innate talents. It was no accident. Goal-setting is merely plumbing your soul, discovering the hidden light that is bursting inside of you.

And the first step is faith.

And faith is very very very very hard for some people.

But remember, you always know your path; whether you’re afraid of it or intimidated by it, you still know it. It may start out as a tickle, but it will not stay that way. It will grow inside of you and refuse to be ignored. And soon you will feel it like you feel love or kindness, invisible but carrying great weight.

And this calling, this destiny – the reason your soul was so skillfully and artistically crafted – won’t be to lose weight or to make a million dollars. It will be something substantial, something meaningful, something that makes you sparkle and thrive – something that allows you to live passionately. Follow that path, and the rest will fall into place.

Happy New Year. May 2011 bring love and happiness, adventure and growth.

Angel Achieving Goals, Inspiration

Photo by Lynn Cummings

We recorded this podcast on June 18, 2010, and consequently we have forgotten most of what we discussed. It’s fun for us to listen to because it is again fresh for us, however we can’t write a blurb describing the podcast. We hope you (and us!) enjoy it though.

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Angel Podcast